You blink a few times in stunned silence, and take a moment to process what you've just been asked. A question so crazy and out of left field, you can't really comprehend why someone would ask that of you. You have to choose your words very carefully:

How to Say No When You Really Mean Hell No

Some people will ask you for the sun, the moon, the stars (and ask to have it gift wrapped and overnighted). Sometimes people will ask for unreasonable discounts on your products or services; perhaps a family member will ask for a huge, impossible favor (like cosigning a loan) and there is no way you are able to oblige. It's not just a matter of if you can, it's also matter of you truly don't want to.

The most important step in learning to say no is realizing that you and your time are valuable. And how you spend your time is, largely, your choice.

The askers fall into two categories: people who have no clue they're asking too much, and people who know they are crossing the line.

You'll have a slightly altered reply for each group.

People ask for crazy things. Maybe they don't understand how much they're asking of you. Maybe the value of what you offer isn't immediately clear to them. They truly mean no offense, because their intetions are pure.

Here's what you say: 

To the people who have no clue: 

• "No, I can't."

• No apology. No excuses, lies or clumsy attempts to soothe their feelings.

• If the asker wants a reason, say, "I can't do [fill whatever you've been asked to do], it's not something I do." 

• If you like and if you can, you may ask if you can point them in the right direction for someone who can help. You have to mean it, though, and you have to follow through.

The next group is made up of people who know they're asking too much, but just want to see what you'll say. They may have a problem with boundaries or with manipulation. Either way, they will most likely keep asking you to see if you'll change your mind or your story. They are like the velociraptors from the first Jurassic Park movie...they are testing your defenses for weakness and consistency, hoping for a different answer.

To the people who should know better: 

• Be direct, but firm. Use simple language, like, “no, I can’t”, "no, thank you", "no, I'm not able to do that", “no, I don’t want to.”

• Don’t apologize, explain or lie.

• Don't say you'll think about it. It gives the asker false hope.

• Try not to resent the person for asking. Most people don't realize they're asking for too much.

• Be polite, such as “Thanks for asking.”

• "That's not possible."

• Don't say a word. The silence will become uncomfortable. Let it be. Resist the urge to explain or apologize.

• The asker will almost certainly ask again, perhaps more strongly or attempt to be more persuasive. Hear them out. Then, just repeat, "That's not possible. And it's not likely to be anytime soon. Please don't ask again"  

• The next part is tricky. Offer help in finding a solution if you like, or if you can...but be careful. Not because you wish this person ill, it's because if you offer aid, this type of person will assume they can keep asking the same request of you, over and over. 

Learning How to say no, for any reason:

• Be direct, but firm. Use simple language, like, “no, I can’t”, "no, thank you", "no, I'm not able to do that", “no, I don’t want to.”

• Don’t apologize, explain or lie.

• Don't say you'll think about it. It gives the asker false hope.

• Try not to resent the person for asking. Most people don't realize they're asking for too much.

• Be polite, such as “Thanks for asking.”

• It's ok to offer alternatives which are acceptable to you, like: "I can't give you (x), but I can give you (y)", or "I can't discount my price to (x), but I do offer (a similar product) at (the requested price)".

Taking the outrage out of your response gives you more power than you realize. Just because someone offers offense doesn't mean you have to take it.

People ask outrageous things all the time. They usually don't know it's outrageous. Which makes it more absurd, really.

When you learn to how say no when you really mean 'hell no' you're able to remain gracious and kind while still feeling empowered.